Be kind first.

Let me tell you about the gap. Picture two big rocks with a stream running between them. You're standing on one rock. Another kid is standing on the other rock. You look at each other. They look at you. Nobody moves. The water just goes splish-splash in the middle.

Now picture a plank. A plank is a long, flat piece of wood. If someone lays it across the stream, it turns into a bridge. Then you can walk across, and then you can play.

But here's the silly part. Most of the time, both kids just stand there. Each one is waiting for the other to put the plank down. They could wait all day. They could wait until it gets dark. They could wait until they both grow long white beards. Then they'd be two old men on two rocks, still waiting.

Grown-ups are even worse at this. Put two grown-ups in an elevator, and watch what happens. They both stare at the buttons. They stare like the buttons are the best show on TV. Nobody says a word. Then the doors open, and they walk out without ever saying hello.

The gap is everywhere, once you start looking. It's there on the first day of school, when everyone is new. It's there at the park, when a kid you don't know is on the slide. It's there after a fight with a friend, when you're both still a little mad. It's even there at home, when someone is grumpy and the room goes quiet.

Where do you think you've seen a gap this week?

Being kind first means you put the plank down. You don't wait for the other kid. You go first.

And the plank doesn't have to be big. It can be a tiny, wobbly plank. Saying "Hi, do you want to play?" is a plank. Sharing your snack before anyone asks is a plank. Letting someone else go first on the swing is a plank. Picking up something a kid dropped is a plank. Saying sorry first after a fight is a really, really good plank. That one is the hardest, so it counts extra.

Here's why it works. Most kids on the other rock are waiting too. They want to play. They just don't know how to start. So when you put the plank down, they usually smile and walk right across. Now there are two of you having fun instead of zero.

Want to know a secret? Grown-ups find this hard too. Sometimes I wait for the other person to say hello first. Sometimes I wait for someone else to say sorry first, even when it was partly my fault. That's my stubborn horse. But every time I go first, I'm glad I did.

There's an old story about two friends. When they were boys, they went to the same school. They ate together, played together and shared everything. Then they grew up. One friend became a king, with a palace and a crown. The other friend became very poor. Some days his family didn't have enough to eat.

One day, the poor man's wife said, "Go and visit your old friend the king." So he walked a long, long way. He had no present to bring except a tiny bag of rice. Not a big bag. A tiny one. All the way there, he worried. "What if the king doesn't remember me? What if he laughs at my rice?"

But when he got to the palace, something amazing happened. The king saw him from far away. He jumped off his throne. He ran outside with no shoes on. Kings are supposed to walk slowly and wave. This king ran so fast his crown almost fell off. He hugged his old friend before the man could say a single word.

Then the king opened the tiny bag of rice and ate it, right there. He ate it like it was the best food in the world. He didn't wait to see the present. He didn't wait for his friend to say hello. He went first.

That's the kind of person I hope you'll be. Not the one who waits on the rock. The one who runs out first.

Now, one more thing, because it matters. Being kind first doesn't mean letting people be mean to you. Sometimes you put the plank down, and someone kicks it into the water. Splash. That's not your fault. You don't have to keep trying with someone like that. You can walk away, and you can come and tell me.

But most of the time, that won't happen. Most of the time, the other kid was waiting too. Somebody just has to go first, so let it be you. Say hello first. Share first. Say sorry first.

Be kind first.

After reading

On the way to school the next morning, ask him: "Where do you see a gap?" If he's stuck, help him: "Is there someone who plays alone at recess? Is anyone new?" Help him pick one small plank for the day, like saying hi first or sharing a snack. Then pick one for yourself and say it out loud, like "I'm going to say good morning to our neighbor first." That evening, ask him, "Did you put your plank down?" and tell him how yours went. All week, when you see him go first, just say, "Plank." He'll know.

What to watch for

The goal: he makes the first kind move without being told to.

• It's landing when he says hello or asks someone to play without you prompting him.
• It's landing when he shares, or says sorry after a fight, before anyone asks.
• It's landing when he tells you about a gap he noticed, even if he didn't cross it yet. Noticing comes first.
• Careful: being kind first is not giving everything away to be liked. If he's handing over his things to buy friendship, or staying close to a kid who keeps kicking the plank away, go back to that part of the letter.
• Careful: don't turn "say sorry first" into a punishment you order. The lesson is that he chooses to start.